So, I went to Moscow and London for work last week or the one before. It totally sucked leaving the kids. It was almost a physical pain being away from the baby for seven days. I’d never before been away from Gatito for more than two nights. In fact, I can remember only one time in the nearly thirteen years I’ve known him when I was away from A for more than a couple of nights.
I’ve been thinking lately that striking a balance between work and family life is not (only) one big decision, like deciding not to advance your career further, but a series of almost daily smaller decisions. On my trip, I wondered whether it was really necessary, whether I could have avoided the trip either by outright refusing to go or by some more subtle way. And probably the answer is yes, but then I wouldn’t have been able to do my job as well.
There are one or two more potential trips to Europe coming up in the Spring/Summer– that I know of so far. In both cases, without too much trouble, I think I could get the head of my group to go in my place. But these meetings are such cool opportunities to showcase my work within my company and to our customers, to really make a name for myself, and I hate to let someone else get the glory for all my toil.
And yet, which is more important? Do I not want to have to leave my family occasionally* or do I want to get recognition for my work? And will getting recognition for my work only increase the requests to travel and present in the future? And what about things like being available for occasional phone calls with Europe at 7:00 a.m., right in the heat of the morning rush? Or staying a half hour later to finish something essential?
I’m hyper aware these days that it’s these small decisions we are forced to make on a daily basis that have more of an impact than the occasional big decisions on defining or blurring the line between work and personal. And I’m struggling. It used to be easier, somehow, but it’s a lot harder going from one kid to two at home and from covereing one continent to two at work. (In the end, it’s really the blog that suffers! Ha!)
*It is possible that the family could join me on one of the trips and we could make a vacation out of it, but in general, no.
It’s different because I had a single mom and was terrified of abandonment, but I DREADED my mom’s business trips. I cried and carried on. I anguished. I questioned her what would happen if her plane crashed and she died and left me alone. She missed my biggest solo in a ballet recital. She missed one of my high school plays.
I was always fine when she was gone. I had fun where ever I was. I’m sure it was a much-needed break for her. I went with her in the summers as I got old enough to hang out in a hotel room and watch cable all day.
She used to train people at other offices of her insurance company to use data analysis software, and as time went on, the business trips could be more than a week at a time. One time we spent a whole summer in Orlando.
It is such a hard choice and a hard balance. I’m so sorry you were missing them, but proud that you got show how great you are at what you do all over the world.
It’s a hard choice. And with my mom, after all that, what she got was laid off at age 55 with shitty severance and a scaled-down retirement. Of course, my mom is a doormat. I’m sure you are in much better shape than she was (is), and also she was a single mom with no child support at all and so financially strapped no matter how you shake it.
I’m sure you’re happy to be home. Hope they give you a little R&R time after a trip like that. In my life before law school, I used to travel a lot and I would get so exhausted. I can’t imagine trying to catch up with a family, too.
What does A say about it all?
I face some of the same dilemmas and have settled some of it by making rules about travel this time around. E.g. I said I wouldn’t go anywhere for the first year after my daughter was born, which I wish I’d done with my son. Now that she’s a year old I’m willing to commit to up to two trips annually (2-4 days, preferably shorter) solo, although it hasn’t come up yet.
Similarly, I’ve just given up trying to attend meetings/phone calls people try to schedule during our morning rush. If you want to talk with me, it has to be another time. My husband sometimes does a breakfast meeting very early (6am) and returns in time for the dropoffs, but we’ve been pretty hard core about this. That said, there are many, many nights that I’ve stuck on an extra half-hour at the end of the day. This is easier because our child care is in the same building as my office, but there have been some bad nights when we got home just in time to drop my daughter in the bath. I try to make up for times like this by taking days off when things are slower and picking her up early when I am uncommitted in the afternoon. But yeah, it’s hard.
I have a super-supportive boss (he has 4 daughters! all working moms with kids! he just took a week’s “vacation” to be the nanny while the civil engineer was touring job sites in Colorado with her newborn) so it’s actually my co-workers who are the most oblivious–scheduling meetings from 4-7pm, things like that.
People who have older kids tell me this gets dramatically easier once the kids are in school. I sure hope they’re right.
Just remember you are modeling how to live and your kids are watching. If you want them to be able to take time for themselves or for their careers when THEY have kids then you must take time for yourself while they are kids. They will grow up thinking you did it right and the standard you set will be the one to which they aspire. No one can make this decision for you but I can tell you that I wish my Mom had been a bit less dedicated to me because living up to her standard is killing me now that I have my own kids!
Yes it’s the non-mom weighing in. I agree with robinj, you’re modeling for your kids, especially your daughter. While she’s not yet old enough to understand why Mommy is gone for a few days, Gatito is. In my humble opinion when you travel, of course after you’ve explained to him why you’re traveling, you’re teaching him that you have value in the larger world, that you are more than just Mommy. Of course he will miss you but your entire family has a chance to grow from this experience.
And think of the wonderful adventures you will have on the occasions that they can all come along for the ride.