Gatito turns four on Monday. He’s having a birthday party the following Saturday and we expect about fifteen kids. Last year, I squirreled away all the toys in which I knew he would not be interested (that is, anything that wasn’t cars related, books, or art supplies) and delivered them to Toys for Tots. He never noticed. I planned to do the same this year.
Then we got a party invitation for a classmate for the following week. “In lieu of gifts,” it read, “please bring gently used toys or baby gear which [birthday boy] can deliver to local center for families in crisis.”
I assume that, like most of our kids, this boy has more toys than he can use and that his parents are trying to teach him how fortunate he is and how important charitable giving is. I also assume he will get at least one gift from his family. It got me thinking.
I did think, both last year and this year, of saying “no gifts” on Gatito’s invitation, since he already has so much, but somehow it seemed like it would be such a disappointment or somehow unfair to him. All the other kids get presents at their birthday parties. Does that matter? Should it? It occurs to me that a good compromise might be to let him keep the gifts he receives that are in his sweet spot of interest (still cars, books, and art supplies and after all, it’s not as though his classmate’s parents are torturing him by waving toys he likes under his nose and then giving them away) and, rather than secretly give the rest to Toys for Tots, explaining and engaging him in that. Obviously I’d have to discuss/prepare him in advance, not wait till he opens them. Then there is the side issue of how to stop him from telling his school friends that he is planning to give/gave away their gifts.
How do you guys handle this kind of thing? Any thoughts?
Really good idea. I have a friend who always asks for books for her daughter’s parties that she tells you up front she’s going to donate. I love it. I’ve never done it because in general, we don’t do “parties” … we do small intimate gatherings with a few friends… They know I don’t like “stuff” and that we don’t want/expect presents. (I say NO GIFTS all the time. They also know what to buy if they want to buy it that will be loved by me and the girls.
You know, I’m very torn about things like this.
On the one hand, I really want to pass along the importance of charitable giving to my son. I’m also not a fan of acquiring a lot of stuff, especially as we are so blessed in so many ways. On the other hand, childhood is really so fleeting, and there is such joy in receiving gifts at a party. There’s also a certain joy in giving gifts at this age, too. I think that telling him before his party that he has to give half of his gifts away wouldn’t teach him the lesson that you want taught, and might create a lot of unnecessary anxiety in an otherwise very happy time.
My thought would be–let him have his party and gifts, and his special day. Then at some other point in the year, go through his toys–old or new–while you’re going through clothing or other things you’re planning to donate, and have him help you with that, and choose certain items to donate. That way, he’s still engaged, but it’s not specifically tied to his special celebration.
Couldn’t have said it better ….ditto to what Jen said.
I have tried to do no gifts and everyone always brings them anyway. A friend of mine always does book exchanges or asks for charity items and I also think that’s a fantastic idea, but I doubt I could get A to go for it. She really, really loves opening presents. It’s tough.
I like Jen’s idea, although I’m fine with doing it right before the birthday to make room for the new stuff. Making a kid give away new gifts reminds me of Mommie Dearest (NOT that you are Mommie Dearest, at all! There’s just a scene in the movie where she makes the daughter give away every single one of her gifts). However, if he doesn’t want the gifts, I think it’s fine to give them away. A got lots of presents she loved at her last birthday and some DVDs she was totally uninterested in, and after a couple of months, I asked her if I could give them away and she said yes.
I think teaching our kids that they are fortunate and that there are families with less is very important. Kids are so naturally self-centered, and it’s hard for them to see beyond their own world unless we show them.
Having said that, I agree with Jen. Don’t do the give-away as part of the birthday celebration. Let him have his party and his gifts. After all, the older he gets, the more parties *he* will attend where he will bring something to someone else. I would worry that if he has to give his toys away, he might wonder why others don’t.
Maybe you could gather up the latest bin of give away, and after the celebrations are over, you could explain that you are both going to drive over to toys-for-tots to donate your “old” toys to needy families. I always find that it’s easier to give away the old stuff when the kids have just received new items.
And a side note, be prepared for selfishness even if you make a habit of donations. I find that even though my kids say “we are so lucky, some kids don’t have toys and books”, they can just as quickly turn around and say “I want that toy I saw on TV!! Why won’t you buy it for me?!”
I think “no gifts” is tough. Invariably when I go to a “no gifts” party without a gift, I’m the only person who hasn’t brought a gift.
That said, the 4th birthday was the first birthday my son had where he really cared about the gifts and he was so shockingly materialistic about it that I was kind of disgusted–and this is only getting worse as Christmas approaches.
it is a nice idea, but i’ll pass along the warning that my son just turned 4, and opened the door — grabbed the gifts and ran off to tear into them. i had said gifts were optional, and requested people bring a costume for his costume box (a prearranged theme) but it was quite embarrassing for the family that didn’t bring a gift!
I had thought about collecting gently used clothing for the homeless shelter we’ve volunteered at or food for the food pantry at the party, but decided to just let the party be a party. It does seem like an excess to me although I don’t feel like Mimi has a ton of age-appropriate toys and her outgrown toys are either handed down to Frank or a girl cousin.
I agree with Jen. I remember feeling so overwhelmed the year Frank was born. We had all the presents from when he was born, then Mimi’s birthday, then the holidays. It was just months of gifts for both kids, and I felt like we were drowning in them. I know I forgot to write a lot of thank you notes because I couldn’t keep track. Let him enjoy it. Maybe work with his preschool to see if they can help put together some kind of food/toy/clothes drive and help carry that burden and the kids can all learn about helping people less fortunate.
Gatito is such a sweet, sensitive soul that I know he’ll get it and be totally into it. But I hope he’ll be totally into his birthday, too!
Hmm, I was thinking of commenting on the post you took down, just to say it sounds like a sweet time, and that I bet this will carry through your relationship with Gatito even after you go back to work. I hope there wasn’t any drama/meanness that prompted the delete. I know that kind of at home / working stuff can provoke snark, but I appreciate your honesty about what you’re experiencing. I work part time, so I have the best/worst of both worlds and have never felt I belong in either “camp” (as if there were sides).
Thanks. I just took it down because I felt v exposed when no one commented. Even nore than that, I felt like a big jerk for phrasing the title that way, as though SAHMs who read this blog have EVER been anything but supportive and might somehow rejoice in my pain as a validation of their choices. I can be an idiot. Sigh.
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Interesting that no one commented (maybe everyone read it on the fly and meant to come back later, like I did). It is sort of a hot button thing to talk about – getting a glimpse of “the other way” and realizing you like it. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone write about an already-made work decision that way. The ambiguity of emotion/necessity/belief/reality is hard to hold all at once. (& I automatically read the title as tongue-in-cheek, but then I’m not a SAHM, really.)
Your experience with knowing your son differently during maternity leave makes me wish it were more common for working parents to have substantial periods of “leave” throughout our kids’ growing up. Most everyone recognizes the intense need for babies and parents to have long spans of time together, but not so much with bigger kids. I guess you’d have to have a pretty awesome employer to be able to do a month off every year (or something), but it seems like it could improve things, somehow, and be a good happy medium–financially and WRT relationships with kids.
The schedule you’re talking about is called being a teacher! I like the idea of having 2-3 months straight with the kids every summer vs working part time all year. Then the time with the kids is just that and one’s attention is not split with worries about work. But I would make a really terrible teacher.
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The schedule you’re talking about is called being a teacher! I like the idea of having 2-3 months straight with the kids every summer vs working part time all year. Then the time with the kids is just that and one’s attention is not split with worries about work. But I would make a really terrible teacher.
It is also required that we learn how to recieve, as well as, give. Kids need to learn how to say thank you, write and send a thank you note, etc. The best part of giving a gift is when the recipient is lovely about it. I would much rather hear “How thoughtful of you! I love it!”, than, “Oh you shouldn’t have, and since I have everything already, I will just go ahead and give this gift you just gave me, to the needy.” How rude!
I say let the kids learn how to be gracious in the recieving dept AND teach them about giving. The thing about having other people give you stuff to give to charity is that it misses the point of giving. It’s like outsourcing the giving! Meaningful giving comes from the heart, not from your guests’ heart!
Good point by Robin….never thought about it that way.
Again late to the party but I think it’s a wonderful idea. So many children are so spoiled with toys they really don’t need on top of the toys they already have.
A friend of mine does something similar at birthdays and Christmas. Her child gets to keep the new toy(s) but has been taught from the age of 2 to go through her old toys and select a matching amount to share with children at homeless shelters, abuse centers, etc.
It’s been interesting over the years to watch her choose some of her newly received gifts to donate over a particularly beloved old toy. I only wish more people had the same concept. What a terrific way to gently teach your child about charity, sharing with people less fortunate and not everyone is as lucky as they are.