Did you see Sex and the City? There is a part where Charlotte says that she has everything she’s ever wanted, and she’s terrified that something bad is going to happen. That’s a pretty good description of how I feel. It’s no way to live, really.
But I wonder if another part of my ambivalence about a second child is an unwillingness to really open myself up to the possibility of massive disappointment if it doesn’t work out.
I think this may be taking its toll on my subconscious. For the past two months, I’ve been lightheaded in the way that I am when I’m pregnant, and over the past week I’ve even thrown up several times. The fact that this all started at the same time I started trying to conceive again cannot be a coincidence. Nor can the fact that it only happens when I have time on my hands, but if I’m busy and distracted, I feel fine.
I’m hoping that by explicitly acknowledging to myself that this is all psychosomatic will help me kick it, because I just do not have the time for therapy right now.
