Comments on: The family friendly workplace

By: thalia

thalia — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 19:38:46 +0000

Doesn’t seem like there’s a clear pattern here. My experience is that most of the men I know don’t get it – whether or not they have children. The ones who are the worst are those with SAHWs as they just don’t see how much work goes into making those homes work (and frankly, most of those wives have staff, so they aren’t doing the same role most of the SAHMs I know are doing). Those who have working wives are fine, but again don’t really get what their wives are doing, so they are no more sympathetic to me, other than saying variously condescending things about how hard it must be.

By far and away the most help I have had is from working mothers. They have offered me advice, made opportunities open to me, chased me to go home on time. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

By: sweetcoalminer

sweetcoalminer — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 17:22:29 +0000

I’m so bummed that I don’t have time to read all the comments because they look great.

I actually got the most support at my old office – not from co-workers but other attorneys working elsewhere – who had SAH Wives. They all acknowledged that their wives’ job was harder than theirs when the kids were small. It’s when the kids are older that it’s easier to blow off. I have had lots of clients who were SAHMs and then the kids started going to school full time, and I would have to ask, “What do you do all day?” because I knew the judge would ask, too.

I think you’re on to something, though.

By: dorothy

dorothy — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:26:16 +0000

In my experience: Yes, totally. My department head has four daughters (two planned pregnancies followed by oops twins) and his wife worked outside the home. Everyone at my university comments that he is one of the few people on the entire campus, male or female, who seems to truly understand the demands faced by working parents. I meet people from other schools who say, “Oh my god, you work for Bill*? You’re so lucky!” Most faculty have one kid, or two max. He is a huge advocate for our on-site child care, part-time work schedules, professional leave: whatever it takes. And he tells his daughters (and me) that you should never quit a job you love** to stay home with kids because you can make it work and be happier in the long run with both work and family. It is really, really awesome. Sometimes people ask me if I’m going to change jobs one of these days and I always burst out laughing.

(I get an earful from him on these issues because I am the same age as his eldest and my son is the same age as her son but I am totally cool with that.)

*not his real name
**not having a crappy job is important; he’s also a big advocate for finding satisfying work

By: Lily

Lily — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:57:14 +0000

I’m not going to “defend” my use of the term “less ambitious”, but I will say, my intention was not to imply that it took less effort, stamina, strength, mental capacity, physical capacity, effort, patience or perseverance to be at home than at the office. I have taken care of children enough to know that life is home is anything but a journey to bonbonville. I was simply using the term in the context in which I typically hear it – which is “climbing the corporate ladder.” Which, in retrospect, I would have said – so “men opt to marry women who are less inclined to climb the corporate ladder.”

I assure you, it was a linguistic … mistake.

By: cat, galloping

cat, galloping — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:40:44 +0000

@hydrogeek
Okay, I’m fascinated by your exlusion of working men with full-time nannies! Certainly it’s easier than daycare (I don’t even have to get Gatito dressed in the morning, never mind fed, with lunch made, and packed off someplace), but we still have to deal with schedules and house stuff and preschool decisions, etc., etc., etc.

@caro
Really good point, and fits in nicely with last Sunday’s NY Times Mag cover story. In most families, even moms who work full-time take on *way* more than their fair share of the home stuff. This is one reason women tend to make different, often more limiting career choices, whether consciously or not, that mean women are the ones that take off when the kid’s sick. So you’re right that it gets us closer but by no means all the way.