I wasn’t going to write about this, out of fear of polarizing my readers, but I can’t stop thinking about it. The Feminine Mistake, by Leslie Bennetts, has changed my life. This piece is a good summary, if you want to go read that first and come back. Please know that I am not sitting in judgment of other people’s life choices. I am writing this because the book had an impact on me and I want to talk about it.
I feel the need to start by saying that there is much not to like about this book: The author is, on many occasions, disrespectful in her descriptions of women who don’t work. She describes too many jobs as fascinating (really– how many jobs are?) and she believes that any stay-at-home moms who say they are happy are lying, pretty much. I also found it amusing that she made the hashed over statement that stay-at-home moms bore their husbands because they have nothing to talk about. That is so stupid to me, because the absolute last thing A wants to talk about is my job, and the subject we discuss most frequently and happily is the minute details of Gatito’s life. And by the way… couldn’t a stay-at-home mom (with kids beyond the infant/toddler stage) simply read the newspaper daily for a ready supply of discussion topics? Ms. Bennett also has this gratuitously nasty passage where she makes fun of stay-at-home moms who spend too much time cleaning their homes and making every detail perfect, while she lets her daughter keep her room messy and believes it inspires her creativity. Then there are a few ridiculous anecdotes like one about the grown kids of a mother who did not work being too lazy to work themselves because they are following her example. I believe that some of these things are pure distractions that suck the power away from her main message.
Nevertheless, there were many aspects that really hit home with me, and enabled me to change the way I think about my life and my work:
- I think I have written here before about my feeling that the burden of supporting a family is too much for one person to have to shoulder. Ms. Bennetts points out that when both people work, it often enables them to work more reasonable hours, rather than having one person kill themselves trying to advance and earn more money. It made me realize that it is in part because we both work that we are both able to be home between 5:30 and 6:00 every night. Neither of us are exactly shooting to the top, but we’re both doing pretty well, slowly advancing our careers. Knowing A, I can definitely see that if he was the only one working, it would be a lot crazier hours as he would feel compelled to work harder and advance faster. My working has enabled us to both make that tradeoff and enjoy a reasonable work/life balance.
- Ms. Bennetts thinks that men respect their wives more when they work. What I have seen in my community is that men like to know that their wives are home with the kids when they are little and that they get that it’s hard work and are grateful that they don’t have to do it. But when the kids get to be school-aged, they start to wonder what their wives are doing all day, and they start to resent it. I know one banker from the Wall St. firm that just collapsed who is pressuring his wife to go back to work. She is resisting under the argument that she didn’t choose their lavish lifestyle (apparently she would have been happy living a more modest life), but since he chose it, she is neither willing to relinquish her luxuries nor work to help support them. And last weekend, I overheard another woman complaining that her daughter’s husband (my generation) is demanding that his wife get at least a part-time job, accusing her of spending their children’s future. I never had the chance to play this scenario out, but I do think that it’s likely A would have become resentful of bearing all the financial responsibility for the family if I didn’t work, particularly as kids got older. As it is, I think he’s proud and respectful of my accomplishments in the office.
- She writes a lot about women who think their husbands could never ever leave them, even though it has happened to others they know. Stories like Alyssa wrote about here. I actually got through most of the book thinking how silly it is for women to believe that their marriages couldn’t possibly break up before I realized that that was what I still believed about my own marriage! I have thought that A could fall ill or die (I have morbid freakouts about car accidents every time I send him on an errand, for instance) or simply lose his job, but I never even considered the possibility that we could get divorced, even as I was reading about other women who couldn’t believe it could happen to them.
- I also realized how unusual it is to have a husband that is an equal participant in child-rearing. Even Ms. Bennetts’ husband had to be trained and harassed a little into taking on household responsibilities and she still has more than half of these. Meanwhile, A does at least half– probably more– of the stuff around the house, from taking out the garbage to cleaning the kitchen nightly and straightening the house (we pay someone to clean once/week– a real sanity saver) whereas I pretty much just do weekend laundry (Tata does weekday laundry). And since A is Gatito’s parent of choice more often than not, A ends up taking on more parenting responsibility than I do, too. (I have been telling A how much I appreciate him and he has been refusing to believe that anything he does is out of the ordinary, which is probably for the best.)
- I thought it was interesting to consider the length of a career. From college graduation through retirement, I am likely to spend about 45 years of my life working. Assuming a four-year age difference between Gatito and a potential sibling, and assuming the most needy years (from a time-intensive perspective) of a child are through age 12 (I picked this age fairly arbitrarily), that is 16 years of a juggling act– just a third of a whole career.
- The author writes about women who don’t work because the cost of childcare eats up a substantial portion (sometimes all) of their earnings. But she points out that when viewed in the context of a decades-long career, these years of breaking even should actually be seen as an investment in future earnings potential. When I first went back to work after having Gatito, over half of my take-home pay went to his nanny. But with my new job, which I wouldn’t have gotten without the experience of my prior job, it now amounts to… egads, I just did the math… it is still 45% of my take-home salary. I thought I was doing better than that. Never mind, moving on. But seriously, eventually I won’t need a full-time nanny, so say in another six years (assuming I am able to have a second child in the next year) this figure could drop to 25% or even less if I continue to advance.
- Ms. Bennetts also points out that many women hit one bump in the road in their career and use motherhood as an excuse to opt out. E.g., they work a crazy job with a terrible boss or they just don’t like what they do and rather than looking for a way to address the situation or find a new job, as a man would have to do, they drop out. This is interesting to me because I have to admit, in addition to wanting more time with Gatito, the idea of not having to deal with the hassles of work is appealing. But I’ve realized that finding a path through various obstacles is important and is good for me.
Unfortunately, I think the author’s aggressive style makes it hard for someone who has made a different choice to read. In the article I linked to above, she writes:
Equally encouraging [sarcasm] was the woman who, after being introduced to me at a cocktail party, made a horrible face when the hostess told her about The Feminine Mistake. “I don’t think I want to read it,” she said, pursing her lips as if she’d just sucked a lemon. “The last thing I need is a whole book telling me why I should feel even more guilty about my life than I already do.”
I can certainly understand how that woman feels, because I think the tone of the book comes off as very judgmental and one-sided. There are just too many distractions in there that take away from the main message that “a man is not a financial plan.” I will freely admit that there is no way in hell you’d catch me reading a book that will criticize my working and add to my guilt about leaving my child, so I can easily understand why stay-at-home moms wouldn’t want to read this.
Ultimately, though, as I said, this book changed my life: I have spent the 2.5 years since Gatito was born fantasizing about not having to work, or about starting some kind of consulting thing that would allow me to work part-time and mentally treating my job as a necessary evil. In addition to validating my choice/reality, The Feminine Mistake has allowed me to feel at peace with and even inspired by my career. If you are a working mom looking for a little validation/ encouragement/ inspiration or you are about to be a mom and are struggling with the work/stay home decision, I do recommend giving this book a read. If you’re not working, I think it would be a little (a lot) hard to take, but I would be very interested in hearing your opinions and whether or not it changed your views on or plans for working.
I read an article by the author, maybe in Glamour? The concepts made sense to me,but I agree her tone was offputting. I have been in school, and internships for the last 5 years, and I really need to work, and at teh same time we’re going trhough IVF, and childcare may cost more than I’ll make, so I’ll work part-time for the next 5 years or so,and then I’ll need to really ramp it up. Oddly enough it seems to me taht if I did work a reguralr 50 hour a week job, I’d rarely see my hsuband. His work schedule wouldn’t change if I made more money, but our leisure time would be better financed. I feel guilty about not working full time,and since we don’t have kids yet, I feel even more guilty. But I’m building my business, and I do make our life somewhat balanced by making sure we eat together and see each other every day.
Lots to chew on.
Thanks for the summary of the good parts, minus the stuff that would make it hard to read. As a part-time working mom, I can’t read books on either side of this!
I can definitely see how the book would change your life and attitude. Some of the points make me feel better about what I’m doing, as well.
I’ve been contemplating these issues since I first learned I was pregnant with my now six-month old son. Work has always been an important part of my identity so I assumed I would continue to work (to say nothing of needing to work). I love him to pieces and want to spend more time with him so I’ve been working hard to find a job that allows me more time with him but isn’t a step back careerwise. I think I found it! Only 30 hours per week making the same amount of money, a step forward in my career, and excellent benefits. God am I thrilled.
I am too am scared of relying on a sole breadwinner and think spreading the risk is a wise choice. Thank you for writing about this issue. For me, this is the hardest parenting choice (if you can call it that) to discuss with others.
I haven’t read the book … thanks for the Cliff’s Notes!
After my 1st daughter was born I (deep down in my heart) wanted to stay home with her — but was able to work out a part time arrangement (3 days/week — about 25 hours) with my then-job, so felt like I *should* try it, since I went to school/worked for many years to get to the position I had. I liked some parts of it — not others — it was still pretty high pressure. After about 2 years and a 2nd daughter, I changed to freelance/contract work, which started out being as few as 10 hours/month but now averages out to about 10-15 hours/week, and is 90% from home. My take home is about 50% what it was when I was working a regular part-time job and 25% what it was when I worked full time.
But I have reached a balance where now I have the right amount of work to enjoy it, but lots of time with the kids to enjoy them. I feel very good about keeping my professional skills up to date and myself in the work-mix. I also realize I am not suited to 24-7 child-minding of more than 1 child (though I had no problem with it for 1 child, somehow you add the 2nd kid and after 2-3 days of them all day and I want to gouge my eyes out), and I feel like my work buys me some extra babysitting time that is a big boon to my sanity.
BUT (and this is a big but) it becomes harder and harder to keep up the homefront without someone home a significant amount of time as the number of kids grows. Not that people can’t do it– of course they can. But it has really surprised me how much more the daily domestic stuff has expanded with a 2nd child. Which means if you aren’t having someone home to do it (all or part of the time), you are either stretching you and your partner ever-thinner (and I assume the stress gets ever-higher), or you are paying people to do more laundry, cleaning, childcare, etc etc.
I totally agree that these years are an investment for me, career-wise, because we pretty much break even on child care (though granted probably 1/3 of that is not work-related, so that is a benefit). And I think it is worth-while. HOWEVER, I wonder if the book just assumes that the husband/wife are making enough money to hire-out extra help? Or overlooks the stress that must come when everyone gets home at 6 pm and there is still laundry, dishes, tomorrow’s lunches, homework, after school sports ?!? (You get the picture!)
I would be interested to get your take on Penelope Trunk (I think her website is http://www.brazencareerist.com or something like that). She is getting a divorce, granted, but she basically says a stay at home spouse is a must if you want to get ahead (though at the same time she says her husband, who stayed home, was very personally dissatisfied). She has not only a nanny, but is hiring a *household manager* at $50K a year to keep up with all the home/kids/errands stuff.
Anyway, it sounds like a book to get a person thinking! I’m glad it was helpful for you find some peace with your situation. Sorry to hijack your comments!
As a SAHM I think I would find the book offputting for the reasons you mentioned, but your summary is interesting.
I have a lot of reasons for staying home. No one was ever home with me, so I always knew I wanted to stay home with my kids if I could. C feels the same so he really respects what I do (both childcare and other things that keep the household running) and doesn’t resent me for staying home. He makes so much more than I ever could that I don’t think he feels the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, because anything I could make is a drop in the bucket next to what he makes. I am genuinely happy not to be working because I never had anything resembling a career, just a series of jobs I was usually tepid about. Staying home has allowed me to postpone thinking about what I’d really like to do, but I imagine I’ll get to that eventually. I have been working on getting my degree, but I would have done that whether or not I kept working.
In terms of leaving myself vulnerable by staying home, I’ve thought about it and I don’t feel too worried. I didn’t have a job with any potential for advancement so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything careerwise. I don’t worry about C losing his job because he is eminently employable and could get another job with very little trouble. Like everyone else, I genuinely don’t believe C would leave me, but if he did, there would be alimony and child support. And if (god forbid) something happened to him, we have life insurance and investments. We live in one of the most expensive areas of the country; if we sold our house and moved somewhere cheaper, we could probably get by if neither of us ever worked again.
So to sum up, I guess I think the author has some good points, I’m just not sure they apply to my situation.
Hey thanks for your very thoughtful summary. I struggle with the work/no work fantasy periodically, and so it was good for me to hear your point of view and experiences, as well as that of the book author. Thanks!
Yes, I saw an interview with the author and she is trying to give a warning message to those who stay at home. My mom was a SAHM and always told my sisters and I to have a plan (for finance) in case something happened to our husbands. Hers was a masters degree she earned when one of my sis was 3 years old. Of course, everyone’s situation is different, but I agree with the basic message she is trying to convey to have a realistic plan of action if you haven’t worked in a while and have no one to support you.
Myself, I had always supported myself and am the primary earner in my marriage, so if I want the lifestyle we have now, I work. My dh and I work schedules to allow us to be home by 5 each day (I am done by 3 or 4) and did this consciously at this time to be more present/have more energy for our child and each other.
One of my most favorite quotes ever is the following: “Don’t feel entitled to anything you don’t sweat and struggle for.”
D’s current job situation allows me the choice of whether to stay home or work. I have considered both and honestly, in my younger years, always imagined myself a stay-at-home type although I didn’t assume I’d have that choice. Obviously, now that I’ve invested all this time in school, I’ve made the very conscious decision that I want a career as well as a family. I guess I finally realized that I can have both! (hope I didn’t just anger the Baby Gods — I mean I hope I can have both
One thing my divorce taught me was if I allow myself to feel trapped in any situation, to place all my eggs in one proverbial basket, unhappiness will follow. I always want to have my options, my power, and my self esteem intact. For me, that means having my own source to take care of myself — a career that I enjoy. Not to say I foresee a divorce from D in our future but I’ve learned to never say never. And I strongly believe the health of a marriage is somewhat determined by these small yet significant choices each person makes. Respect is critical. Resentment is a tough thing to overcome once it begins. Of course, as the link points out, divorce is just one way a woman can find herself without her man (AKA: financial plan). Personally, I’d rather have my ducks in a row.
Also, as the daughter of a woman who stayed at home with her preschool aged children, I can say that I saw a significant change in my mother when she began working again. Positive changes in her, her marriage, and our family. She felt good about herself when she was working. Eventually she also went back to school to earn her degree. Watching her take those steps towards her own career success influenced me to take my own as well. Kids learn by example, as you well know.
I agree the authors words are harsh but I don’t really see any way around “harsh” on a subject like this. No one wants to be judged for their choices, especially not emotionally charged choices like these. Bottom line: Each woman has to do what she thinks is best for her and her family. That said, I believe that every person (man or woman) deserves and perhaps needs to feel empowered.
Thanks for sharing. I think I’ll add this book to my summer reading list.
I’ll come back later with more to say, but just so you know, she has a blog called “On Balance” at http://www.washingtonpost.com. I haven’t read her book, but I do read her blog daily. She has some interesting points.
Yep, in lots of ways I have made myself financially vulnerable by choosing to be a SAHM. I know that there are no guarantees on my marriage lasting a lifetime (mine or his) and that there are circumstances that could emotionally and/or financially devastate me and my daughter.
However – it has always been my dream to be a SAHM while my kid(s) are little. Should I not pursue this dream because it is not financially rewarding and doing so right now may keep me from something else down the line? I don’t think so.
I want to enjoy my baby now *because* I don’t know what the future holds. I believe we’re making the right choice for our family and doing the best we can for now AND later. I think it’s important for Birdie to have her mommy with her now and that it’s good for both of us. I hope that later this will prove to have been an emotional benefit for us. I’m lucky to have had the option.
If I have to go back to work before I’m ready, so be it, but for NOW I’m doing what I want and I love it. If that means I take a pay cut because I’ve been out of the work force, I’m ok with that. I know I could face problems down the road but I’m confident that I’ll be able to take care of myself if I have to (I’m glad I went to college, even if I’m only hanging my diploma on the wall here at home.) I may not do as well as someone else, but I understand that and am willing to take that risk.
Assuming that “my man is my plan” (or however it was put by the author – I have not read this book) doesn’t give any credit to intelligent women who make informed decisions to stay home with their children for whatever reason, regardless of the financial or social drawbacks.
As far as polarizing your readers – I don’t think you have to worry about that. Like irish girl said, no one wants to be judged and I don’t think you did that. As someone who has made a different choice than you, I don’t feel like you have put me down or said anything cruel or rude. Another blogger that I used to read once said that she “had no respect at all for women who don’t work – especially if they don’t have kids.” I lost respect for HER when I read that (and to be honest, it hurt my feelings.) You don’t have to understand or agree to be respectful, and I know you know that.
For right now at least, I’m being the best mom I can be here at home with my girl and that’s good enough for me.
It may seem strange to others, but I have always wanted children of my own from very early on. I can remember even picking out names I liked and writing them down in a journal, two girls I went to church with as a young girl. I don’t remember when my earliest fantasy came about the family I wanted to have, but I can say this: I always knew I would work, even before having children. Regardless of financial obligations, I enjoy having a profession. At this point, money has everything to do with it because I don’t have another option, but I don’t think I would be a SAHM if I had the chance. Part-time, okay, maybe. I think it is wonderful that so many women love it, but for me? My mindset is about work. And the time I have with her, which amounts to much more than most working moms, is absolutely wonderful.
Interesting book. I will have to check it out.
Oh boy…this issue…it’s a toughie. All I can say is that having three kids has taught S and me so much about ourselves and what we want from each other. It takes so much to make it through the day and so we function as a team – he goes and makes the money, I manage the home and the money and the kids. When he’s home, he’s at my service (because there is just no other way). Homemaking is an incredible challenge, but perhaps it’s because I’m taking it seriously and approach it as if it were indeed a career – I’m also finding the more I put into it, the more I’m getting out of it. As for money, I keep up my own stock portfolio and my savings and have every intention of going back to making money as soon as time allows. Having been (temporarily) the sole breadwinner in the past, I know that if the tables were turned and I felt that the hubs wasn’t doing his best to contribute, I myself would be resentful – and if it continued, would probably want to kick him to the curb. Because what is a marriage if only one person is trying to make it all better? What kind of spouse is content to continually take and not to give? We all have to be careful to make it all count. Even if we’re up to our necks in poop (mine is the real deal, S’ is more metaphorical).
It’s sad though that there are still some women out there who choose to stay home, get complacent and then get hit with the giant reality slap of divorce. I haven’t read the book but have heard a lot about it (it’s like when I was unable to breastfeed – I just don’t need to be made to feel badly about a situation I can’t do much about right now). But your post did remind me that there will be a me post-children, and when all this baby/toddlerhood chaos settles down and school begins, there will be time to go back, and staying in touch with my network is probably a very smart move. As is asking S more often how things are going. Thanks.
I got married very late in life. I was 45 and then 46 when my children came to me (one by birth, one by adoption). Before getting married and having children I had my own business that I conceived and built 100% by myself. It was successful. I had a great career. When my kids came, I wanted to stay home with them. I couldn’t STAND the idea of leaving them. I can tell you, from MY experience and MY perspective (not saying anyone else has to agree!), staying home with infants and small children is a bazillion times harder than working outside the home. And also from my perspective a bazillion times more important. Also from my perspective, NOT necessarily more fun or more rewarding (at least not yet, my kids are still very young). But for me, it is not about me, it is not about sustaining my total financial independence. It is about my kids. If I screw this up, nothing else really matters.
But my beef with the author is that whether or not a women wants to stay home with her children is, in my opinion, NOT a “women’s issue”. The more we allow the media to convince us that this is a women’s issue the more we accept and perpetuate our 2nd class citizen status. This is a FAMILY issue, a CULTURAL issue, a NATIONAL issue. This is the same problem I had with the “women’s movement” years ago in that we (women) didn’t demand that men step up to OUR plate, we demanded the right to step down to theirs! Instead of saying “don’t stay home with your kids or you may get screwed financially” why isn’t she saying “It is a great injustice that women who take on the job of raising children can be left financially devastated BECAUSE of the fact they took on the job of raising children.”
My point is this; I agree with the author that the reality of staying home to raise children is very risky for the women that do it. But I heartily disagree that the answer is, therefore, that no one should do it! It would be like saying that since staying home to raise children is risky, no one should have children. The ideal would be for women to be able to stay home and raise their children WITHOUT all the risks the author discusses. I am not sure how to do that, but I know it is grotesquely UNFAIR for women to bear all the risk when a family chooses to have a parent (and let’s face it, it is almost always the mom) stay home to raise and care for their children. It is NOT the Feminine MISTAKE, it is the MASCULINE ADVANTAGE. We as women continue to support this great inequity by not demanding that the RISKS be mitigated. Why should any women take on the risk of staying home OR carry the quilt-burden of working outside home, when it is usually a choice made by BOTH the man and the women. Why are men off the hook?
I mostly stay at home, and am familiar with this book, and to me it just doesn’t address the feelings I have, though cerebrally it’s quite convincing. I want to be the one with my child every day, and I’m able to do it, so (mostly, as I said), I do. I hate missing out on what is going on with my little one, and I like the control of being the primary caregiver. I happen to have a job that’s very flexible in that regard, and frankly not to need the money (largely because I make so little). The argument that resonates most with me at this moment is the one about not overburdening the working spouse, though.
You did such a graceful job with this topic. As I said, being a divorce lawyer, I have seen many women hurt by their choice of family over career.
I agree with Carla Hinkle completely, though. Everyone I know who works full time (or even part time) with 2 kids either has a stay at home parent or house help (nanny, housekeeper, etc.)
Keeping up with the dishes, the laundry, balancing the checkbook, grocery shopping, cooking, and the picking up, not to mention all of the preschool co-op crap, is a full-time job. When Mimi was a baby, we used to do fun things during her nap. Now, when we have a moment of quiet, it is a race to get something done (and it is never me
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As someone whose parents divorced (which of course no one expected until it happened, certainly not me) I have zero problem imagining what might happen to my son if I did not work. I knew from the moment I started thinking about having children that I would never risk putting them in the position that my sister and I were in after the divorce (hungry and frightened). My mother says she regrets her decision to stay home with us for a few years more than anything else she has done in her life; like everyone else in the world, she thought that in the worst-case scenario there would be child support, and she never saw a dime, nor did she ever manage to earn enough money after her years off to feel secure.
As a result, I committed very early on to finding family-friendly work I loved that could financially support me and my family; like health insurance, it’s something I would never go without. This turned out to be more than just a nice bonus when my husband was unemployed for almost two years, and boy, did that introduce me to the business end of overburdening the working spouse; the stress was unbelievable. I find, however, that people who have not had similar experiences find my defensive posture negative and frightening. Or they call it unrealistic, which is almost funny (how can it be unrealistic if it actually happened?). I’ve concluded that it is the kind of issue that many people only really understand when they have had similar experiences. In that sense perhaps it is something like infertility.
So anyway, I don’t have any second thoughts about working, although it is a struggle some days. But who doesn’t struggle some in life? I admit I do get annoyed sometimes by people who refer to staying home with their children as their “job”. In my book, a job is something you get paid to do because you wouldn’t be doing it otherwise; spending time with my child is a joy, not a job, and being able to do it full-time is a privilege that not many people can afford. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve rolled my eyes on occasion for just that reason when I’ve heard people say, “Staying home with my kids is my job”.
Great summary. I am going straight to Amazon when I am done here. I have been feeling the guilt since and I have started back to the office 3 days a week. I feel like I waited so long for them, now I am up and leaving…
I enjoyed this post. Sorry for the late arrival – you just linked the other day over at Ask Moxie.
Anyway, this really hit home: “they just don’t like what they do and rather than looking for a way to address the situation or find a new job, as a man would have to do, they drop out.”
I DID THIS. My son is 18 months, and I’m on the verge of going back to work. I think. But I’m ambivalent…I know some of my reasons for ambivalence are genuine, and some are foolish. I’ve enjoyed not having to face the stinking heap of my “career” for the last 18 months. But you know, I’ve lost a lot of self-respect in the process, too. It isn’t very brave or adult to run away. But she’s right. That’s exactly what I did.
That said, yeah, she can certainly be abrasive! I saw her give an interview around the time the book came out, and I wanted to reach through the TV and smack her upside the head. Not because I disagreed with (all of) what she said. But because she had this self-righteous smirk on her face the entire time. She just knew she was so right. Puh-leeze.
But despite all that, this post has got me thinking about the book again. I need a boost to send me back to the job hunt…