In response to my recent post on why this ectopic pregnancy/miscarriage did not feel as bad as the first miscarriage, Sarah speculated that I never really believed I was pregnant this time.
It only lasted a week, but I really did believe I was pregnant. Excepting the one day of the lighter line (which then got darker), I thought I was going to get a take-home baby out of it, too. My c-section (at 39 weeks) was going to be September 22, if you must know. Born in early Fall, I’d have lots of snuggly months to wear the baby in the Ergo without sweating to death, and lots of time to get back into shape before spring. And speaking of getting back into shape, I was mildly disappointed that I was at the same pre-pregnancy weight as I was with Gatito, rather than the four pounds less I’d weighed a couple of months before. When the baby was born, Gatito would have just started preschool, Tata would still be around to help me out, and I’d be off work through the holidays, returning in the new year. Oh, and it was going to be a girl, since the deed had been done 3 days before ovulation and I am a believer in the theory that they y sperm swim faster but die sooner. I’m telling you: I really did believe I was pregnant and going to stay that way.
I know. Idiot.
The thing is, I had worked really hard to get myself to a place where I believed I was not high risk. I mean, the infertility had been debunked, as had the likely recurrent miscarrier stuff with the ANA and MTHFR, leaving just the very treatable progesterone issue. I convinced myself that perhaps I worried all the way through my pregnancy with Gatito simply because I’d heard too many pregnancy horror stories. I thought it was a mentally healthy thing to do to acknowledge that in all likelihood I would have a physically healthy pregnancy.
I actually felt a little bit guilty for getting pregnant so easily, practically by accident. But now I think, would that really have been so awful, so unfair, for me to get pregnant easily and stay pregnant? Didn’t I pay at least some dues, if perhaps far less than many of you? Other people get and stay pregnant all the time. Why not me?
I know this all sounds terribly melodramatic again, and not in the least bit original. I’ve read a hundred people– probably more– write the same thing about miscarriage and infertility. I also know that it is going to sound like denial if I tell you that I’m really doing quite fine, but it’s true. I’m functioning quite well, thinking about this probably only 10% of my waking hours, in contrast to about 99.9% after the first miscarriage, but nevertheless, I do manage to work up a little bit of anger every now and then.
(Beta at 65 today. Next week’s test should be my last.)
I am so sorry, sweet Cat. You are allowed to grieve in any way and for however long you feel it. This is your blog, you whine and piss and moan and stomp your feet while you hold your breath if it helps.
And I’ll still be thinking of a recent comment that I read at Brooklyn Girl’s place: “I want to see your naked!”
I am sorry. I hope this was the end of your dues, and that next time is easier. That was all very hard and scary for you, too. It’s one thing to lose a baby, but another to be facing damage to your girl parts. I’m glad you’re not wholly traumatized.
Well, I’m glad you’re doing quite fine and that you’re able to acknowledge the little bit of anger too. All your feelings pre, intra, post are valid. I hope you get and stay pregnant easily very very soon.
So sorry. I myself found subsequent miscarriages so much easier than the first – that first one was awful. The ones after that were less intense – they sucked, but were less devastating. I’m not entirely sure why. Nonetheless, the feeling of having earned the right for a “good” pregnancy is one I’m quite familiar with. I hope the next round goes far more smoothly for you.
Hmmm. I wonder if I was seeing more of your ambivilence than your obvious investment? I think I was responding to all of the qualifying in your posts. Alas, I was wrong.
A friend of mine had a misscarriage, then a pregnancy and was very careful about investing in the second one. She got pregnant a third time (after about 3 months of trying), and decided to throw caution to the winds and tell, tell, tell. At 9 weeks she found out there was’t an embryo, and she was on teh one hand circumspect taht her enthusiasm didn’t cause the misscarriage, but she felt so bad, on both fronts, that it was hard not to feel responsible for it. I think that there are all sorts of responses,and they all make sense.
Sarah