All my life, I’ve tended to be cold, until my pregnancy with Gatito. From the time I got pregnant with him until the time I got pregnant again last month, I was practically never cold. Something about my system just re-set and I was comfortable with the temperature (or leaning towards too hot) all the time. Now I seem to have re-set again and I’m freezing most of the time, dammit.
Well yes, actually, I did February 25, 2008
In response to my recent post on why this ectopic pregnancy/miscarriage did not feel as bad as the first miscarriage, Sarah speculated that I never really believed I was pregnant this time.
It only lasted a week, but I really did believe I was pregnant. Excepting the one day of the lighter line (which then got darker), I thought I was going to get a take-home baby out of it, too. My c-section (at 39 weeks) was going to be September 22, if you must know. Born in early Fall, I’d have lots of snuggly months to wear the baby in the Ergo without sweating to death, and lots of time to get back into shape before spring. And speaking of getting back into shape, I was mildly disappointed that I was at the same pre-pregnancy weight as I was with Gatito, rather than the four pounds less I’d weighed a couple of months before. When the baby was born, Gatito would have just started preschool, Tata would still be around to help me out, and I’d be off work through the holidays, returning in the new year. Oh, and it was going to be a girl, since the deed had been done 3 days before ovulation and I am a believer in the theory that they y sperm swim faster but die sooner. I’m telling you: I really did believe I was pregnant and going to stay that way.
I know. Idiot.
The thing is, I had worked really hard to get myself to a place where I believed I was not high risk. I mean, the infertility had been debunked, as had the likely recurrent miscarrier stuff with the ANA and MTHFR, leaving just the very treatable progesterone issue. I convinced myself that perhaps I worried all the way through my pregnancy with Gatito simply because I’d heard too many pregnancy horror stories. I thought it was a mentally healthy thing to do to acknowledge that in all likelihood I would have a physically healthy pregnancy.
I actually felt a little bit guilty for getting pregnant so easily, practically by accident. But now I think, would that really have been so awful, so unfair, for me to get pregnant easily and stay pregnant? Didn’t I pay at least some dues, if perhaps far less than many of you? Other people get and stay pregnant all the time. Why not me?
I know this all sounds terribly melodramatic again, and not in the least bit original. I’ve read a hundred people– probably more– write the same thing about miscarriage and infertility. I also know that it is going to sound like denial if I tell you that I’m really doing quite fine, but it’s true. I’m functioning quite well, thinking about this probably only 10% of my waking hours, in contrast to about 99.9% after the first miscarriage, but nevertheless, I do manage to work up a little bit of anger every now and then.
(Beta at 65 today. Next week’s test should be my last.)
The $88 paw February 24, 2008
We woke up yesterday morning to a limping Hippo. Something was clearly wrong with his right front paw, which he would hold up piteously in between limping along. The situation was not bad enough to prevent him from making some small jumps, but I figured if I waited to see what would happen, I’d only end up with yet another valid excuse to miss work on Monday.
So I sucked it up and lugged him to the vet, where he was no longer limping. “I swear,” I told the vet. “He was limping five minutes ago at home!” She believed me, in part because who would lug a 22lb* cat in for fun, and also because apparently the adrenaline of the car ride can make cats forget their pain, plus he was kind of slinking around the exam room in fear, which masked the limping.
Sent home with a few doses of an anti-inflammatory and instructions to bring him back Tuesday for sedation and x-rays if he wasn’t better (along with an $88 bill), that darned cat was walking just fine by afternoon.
* We took advantage of the opportunity to weigh him and it turns out he has dropped from 22lbs 15 ozs in October to 22lbs 4 oz. That’s almost 3/4 of a pound, and while that may be a mere 3.3% for what has been a lot of trouble, I remind myself it is the equivalent of my losing 4.5 pounds, which is not too shabby. Then again, I’m not about 30% over my healthy weight. (Yikes.)
On a roll February 21, 2008
I swear, I think I could come up with a valid excuse for not working 2 days out of 5. Just since I’ve been back from my vacation less than four weeks ago, I’ve had:
- Beginning of miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy- heavy cramps (2 days)
- Examinations and treatment relating to ectopic (1.5 days)
- Tree crashed through nanny’s car (1 day)
- Snow storms (2 days)
Of those, I only actually missed the 1.5 days for the ectopic treatment, left at 4:00 one snow day, and worked at home another, but I was also late a couple of times due to blood tests.
When I got home from work yesterday, Tata said she had thrown up seven times that afternoon. Seven. Times. (Gatito had been sick over the weekend and it basically seems like everyone in town is.) A had an important all day meeting and I really didn’t feel like I could miss another day of work, so when she said she could still come today, I accepted. I know. I am the worst. boss. ever. Does it make it better or worse if I tell you that I gave permission for them to watch TV all day long?
Now we’re expecting snow tonight/tomorrow and I’m stressed about getting to the office and back safely, but I’ve got meetings all day and people really do seem to slog in to this job in all weather.
It just sometimes seems like life is a full-time job. Who has time to work?!
Is an ectopic pregnancy a miscarriage? February 18, 2008
It’s weird. It doesn’t feel like one. When I tell people, I say I just had an ectopic pregnancy. I would say I’ve had one miscarriage and one ectopic, not two miscarriages.
It feels more like how I felt when I was diagnosed with the ANA and MTHFR. I am more stressed about whether and how this will effect my ability to have another child in the future than I am sad about the loss of this one.
Is it different because this really was just a collection of cells, whereas the last one had a beating heart, if only for a few weeks? I don’t know if it matters, but it’s just something I’ve been thinking about.
Six February 17, 2008
Tagged by BrooklynGirl:
Here are the rules to the game:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!
You can call this the vanity edition:
1) My new colleagues are about 500 times more fashionable than my old ones. I love the ideas and the inspiration, but my wardrobe needs a complete overhaul, which is why I hope someone is currently secretly filming me for What Not to Wear.
2) I am so lazy that it took me a year to get my unique, one-of-a-kind watch, which I love and which was made by a metal artist who used to have a store in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn fixed when the movement stopped working. A week after I got it back last month, the bracelet broke and I have yet to bring it in for repair.
3) I have gained back four of the ten pounds I lost last year, which was enough to push me from a size 8 to a 10, and I don’t like it. I signed up for WW online again earlier this week and lost a pound, but am already having trouble getting motivated to stick with the program.
4) I have a hard time buying shoes because I take to heart what my mother always told me: It’s hard to smile when your feet hurt.
5) Not true for bags. I am always craving something new, though I haven’t loved the hardware-heavy styles of the past couple of years. At the moment, I am eyeing this laptop bag in orange, but talk about an unnecessary expense, especially since I already have a nice bag and (per #1) need a whole new wardrobe.
6) I waited too long to get my hair cut and my stylist told me yesterday not to let it get so long because it looked ratty! But he complimented me on my bag, a red Furla from 2004ish that I had just pulled out of my closet. I love that now that Gatito is a toddler, I only need a bag big enough for a couple of diapers and some wipes.
I’m tagging some of my newer readers/commenters: Sarah, Hydrogeek, and April.
It would have been 199 if it weren’t for the Froot Loops February 15, 2008
Beta at 299 today, so we’re getting there.
Good gawd, people, what would I do without you? I can’t believe that with everything I’ve learned about reproduction over the past four years, I didn’t know that one’s ovaries do not neatly take turns ovulating every other month. This is just like when I learned halfway through my pregnancy with Gatito that it’s the cervix that dilates, not the vaginal opening. Talk about ignorant!
I was trying to figure out why this made me re-consider the plan, other than the inconvenience of missing work every month until I conceive, rather than just the first. I think the issue is that I’m worried that this information will force me to wait longer to try to conceive and at the moment I’m ready to just get on with it as soon as possible. But that’s stupid if waiting an extra month will avoid an ectopic. Health risks aside, this ectopic will end up costing me 3-4 months, which is (probably) longer than waiting to ovulate on my right side. I know I can’t control everything, but I like to control what I can so I don’t have regrets. I guess I have at least a couple of months to decide.
I’ve been so happy for the past two years, after Gatito was born and before I was ready to think about another child, and I hate being back on this roller coaster. I’m really not miserable the way I was after the first miscarriage, but I’m just a little stressed about the future. And even though I know I’ve been through nothing compared with many of you, I will not be one bit sorry when the reproductive stage of my life is over.
What’s next? February 14, 2008
Well, first things: I have to wait till my beta hits 0, which BrooklynGirl mentioned can take a long time. Knowing me, it will. The hardest part about the wait is avoiding folic acid, which promotes cell growth. Not so hard to avoid leafy green vegetables, but we’ve had some good packages of strawberries lately that I couldn’t share and there’s a lot of folic acid in Cheerios and Raisin Bran. I got the bright idea of getting unhealthy food and bought some Froot Loops only to discover that they, too, have 25% of the DV of folic acid. Hmph. I have had a couple of bowls anyway, so if my beta takes its time going down, I have only my lack of self control in the face of a fresh box of the loops to blame.
Dr. Nice did not specifically say that I had tubal damage. What he said is that, even though it was so small, it likely caused a certain amount of damage. He didn’t say major irreversible scarring or anything– you’re right that he has no way of knowing that at this point. He just said that it makes sense to wait an extra month to try again to give my tube a chance to heal.
I started to get a little antsy after reading some pretty yucky stats on the chances of getting pregnant and having a live birth on the Innernets, and so in frustration, I turned to the lovely robinj, whom you may have noticed was the one who got the homework assignment exactly right. Here is what she said, and I hope she isn’t mad I didn’t get her permission before sharing:
I was reading some info (ala Google University) about pregnancy after ectopic and found things like “chances of pregnancy are 60% following an ectopic” and other MEANINGLESS stats like that. I mean, 60% per what? per cycle? per ovulatory cycle on that side? per year? per life time? based on what data? In what age group? Using ART or not? I wouldn’t pay any attention to any of that!!!You are young, you have eggs, you have two tubes, you have a uterus and you know where to get sperm! There is every reason to believe you will be able to have another healthy baby.Anecdotally, everyone I know in real life and cyber life who has had an ectopic and wanted another baby has had one, for what it’s worth.
Is she awesome or what? I just really felt reassured after getting that message. Obviously, I will be high risk going forward, and obviously I will come in for some very early monitoring, including blood work and a 5.5 week ultrasound. (So much for the idea of being a normal pregnant person.) But I’m not going to get all crazy about it– at least not today. I just have to wait and see what happens and keep re-reading Robin’s last sentence as often as necessary.
The one thing I am toying with is, since I ovulated on the left side this time, using ultrasound to try again on a month when I am ovulating on the right side. Dr. Nice said he has done this very infrequently but would be happy to do it for me… though he doesn’t think it’s necessary. At first I thought I wouldn’t bother, but now I think it’s really not that much of a bother– just missing a few hours of work one day. I would only have to do it one month and then, if it was a left rather than right month or if I didn’t get pregnant, I could just assume that it was alternating normally. Of course, this cuts my opportunity to get pregnant (perhaps unnecessarily) in half, but I figure with a few more months between me and the ectopic I would feel safer going back to trying on both sides. Your thoughts?
Whew February 13, 2008
Beta is on the way down. From the 700s on Friday to the 500s on Tuesday. More bloodwork on Friday to make sure it continues on its way and that the meth didn’t damage my liver and kidney function, then weekly after that till it hits 0.
Bad news is that Dr. Nice said that even though it was microscopic in size, it surely damaged my tube and that, not the meth, is the reason for waiting at least one extra cycle before trying again. More on that when I can find the strength.
Car snob February 12, 2008
Last summer, Tata started teaching Gatito to recognize various car brands. By now, he doesn’t even need the logos. For some magical reason, he can tell from the shape. Over Christmas, he identified a Ford on the ground from seven stories up in our hotel room, and a VW from the back whose symbol had fallen off.
Still, nobody has told him that some cars are better than others and believe me, A and Tata and I all drive very modest cars.
A couple of weeks ago, while getting ready to go home from the playground, we mentioned something about Gatito going on the porch. We couldn’t figure out why he happily ran towards the parking lot, until we got him into the car and he started howling. Turns out he was terribly disappointed because he thought he was going home in a Porsche.
Yesterday, when my mom came to take care of him, I was worried because he’d been crying when we go to work ever since our vacation. Silly me. He was too busy putting on his hat and insisting it was time to go out in Grandma’s Mercedes to even notice that we were leaving.
My mom sent this note today:
Can’t stop thinking about Gatito, who has stolen my heart. Cute, smart, curious, impish and all-around adorable.
I’m so glad that they had a chance to bond. Something good came out of yesterday after all.
