Two friends have announced pregnancies in the past few weeks. One whose first child was born a week before Gatito, and one who is about a year younger. Ugh, I hate those pangs of jealousy. Weird to have them when I haven’t even started trying yet.
I am starting to track my cycle for the upcoming IUI,. I had this whole spreadsheet from the last time and I just plugged in the first month of data (day 1 + LH surge from the OPK) and it spat out projected surges for the next four months, along with the first days on which I could take an HPT each month and expected due date. Ugh. I was too organized.
I am debating doing this thing at the end of March vs. end of April and all this stupid shit is running around in my mind. Stupid because it’s not like I can really choose whether I actually conceive and carry to term. Not to mention that it’s silly to worry about a December vs. January due date, which would make the child oldest vs. youngest in school; and three vs. four school years apart from Gatito; and other crazy stuff when we all know the only important thing is a healthy child.
I also keep getting struck by the thought that either decision will result in a completely different child being created, assuming any child at all is created, of course, and whoa, that’s kind of weird to think about, you know?
I’ve done that too – wondered who R would have been if she’d been conceived in March instead of February, or if I’d actually been pregnant six months earlier (when I had a moment of oh my) – brings to mind souls lined up on a shelf.
Ah, a bit too deep for this late at night.
I think it is somewhat normal to take trips down each of those roads. Maybe it is the way we deal with anxiety. We don’t have control, and working out all possible scenarios in our heads makes it so we think we won’t be surprised by whatever outcome comes true.
It always makes me think if the “dumb” women out there who don’t consider all possible outcomes of every important situation are really so “dumb” after all…?
Those pangs of jealousy are never fun — they come even when you *don’t* want to be pregnant. I wonder if it’s some residual evolutionary thing that used to make us always want to have more children….?
Do you watch Journeyman? The most recent episode dealt with a change in the past that caused the main character to have sex with his wife in the morning instead of the night before — he came back to himself (in the present) to find he had a daughter instead of a son. Same egg, different sperm, completely different child. It was interesting and creepy at the same time.