I’ve been dealing with an interesting challenge lately. Gatito is very verbal for his age, particularly for a boy. He has spoken in full sentences for months and has an extensive vocabulary. He knows all his letters, numbers, shapes, colors, animals, car brands. (“This is a Porsche car, Mommy!”) I recently taught him what a “doppelganger” was. (Don’t ask.) He sings along with the Beatles.
Actually, I have no idea if this makes him advanced, since one of the things about being a working mom is that I don’t get to see other kids his age very often. But everywhere we go, it seems people are telling me, “He’s so smart” or “He’s really verbal” or “Wow! He’s only two?”
I’m used to him getting attention for his height and his red hair, and I’ve learned to deal with this:
Yes, he’s very tall.
He gets his hair from the Irish side of the family.
What I have been struggling with is how to deal with the comments on his intelligence. I don’t love that they happen in his earshot, but I figure there isn’t much I can do to prevent people from saying what they’re going to say. But I don’t know how to respond without seeming like I’m bragging, insulting the other person’s child, or putting my own child down.
One instinct is to try to kind of even things out by pointing out his “flaws”, e.g., he’s very verbal but he’s less advanced physically. “In fact,” I found myself telling one friend, “he won’t slide down the slides at the playground.” Not very nice or fair to Gatito.
Or I’ll talk about how being developmentally advanced has nothing to do with actual intelligence, a fact that I believe is fascinating and true, but again isn’t that nice to Gatito.
Another option is to say something like, “Oh, we’ve been singing the ABC’s as a lullaby before bed,” of “We count his fingers every time his arms go through the sleeves to make sure they’re still there.” But those things probably have little to do with his current abilities and could make another parent feel badly, like they aren’t doing enough. I once mentioned to a woman with 8-month-old twins that Gatito had gotten a late start talking (in the context of recommending signing) and she assured me that her kids would be early talkers since she talked to them all the time. I was like, “Are you implying that I didn’t talk to my kid?!”
The only thing I can come up with is, if the other child is present, to compliment something about them. But if I don’t know the kid or he’s just sitting in the grocery cart or the kid isn’t there, I’m at a loss.
My mom recommended a modest “thank you”, and I thought that was a good idea. Simple. But I’ve tried it out a few times recently, and it doesn’t feel right. I still feel like it comes off as obnoxious. Like by accepting, rather than deflecting the compliment, I am somehow bragging about my child’s genius.
Do you get this with your child? Do you say it to other people? How do you respond, or what do you think would be the appropriate way for someone else to respond?
It always makes me a twittery mess, so I tend to say Thanks and boot it out of there. Not a the BEST solution, but it means I don’t stick my foot in my mouth too often.
I get this all the time and never felt right about bringing it up, but am so glad you did. Smacky has started reading – simple words of course- he’s not memorizing but actually sounding out letters. I don’t think he’s necessarily gifted or special but he’s definitely an early starter and we’re watching it. I don’t tell anyone because talking about it could so easily be offensive to someone and I felt I’d sound like a jackass. But when people notice I just say thanks and quickly move on…I remember those days when he wasn’t walking yet and how even sometimes innocuous conversation about someone else’s “little athlete” would make me feel defensive. So I just try to keep my mouth shut. And now at least I know I can talk with you about it!! And yeah- those ABCs – one day he was correcting his 4 year old cousin, helping him get the letters in order, and my sister was thankfully very cool about it and talked about good toys we could find to keep his obvious interest going. But it felt really awkward and I’m not entirely sure why.
I am in the exact same situation except for knowing types of cars – even I don’t know that!
And I always say that she gets her red hair from the Schwan man.
And we sing along to Eric Clapton.
AND The Girl just started going down the slide without help, but only those slides that are about 2 feet long. (We’ve been taking a gymnastics class and that has really helped.)
Anyway … people often make the same comments and almost always I just agree as if I don’t understand it’s a compliment. They say “wow – she is really verbal” and I say “yeah, she’s a little chatterbox.” It’s awkward. There is nothing you really can say. The good thing is that we are the only ones who worry about it. The person who said it has already forgotten about it minutes after he/she said it.
If it’s a mom who says it and I can tell that she is feeling like she has done something wrong because her kid hasn’t said a word, I usually say that The Girl is a girl (usually more verbal), a first born only child with a SAHM. I don’t know it that helps or not.
Can you believe I wrote this much and actually provided no help?
Well, as someone who is apt to make the comments more than receive them (having no kids of my own), I would just like to say – all I want to hear is “Yeah, it keeps us on our toes” or “We like to think so” or something sort of humble and yet light. If I want more information, I’ll ask “so, what’s his favorite book.” or “does daddy like cars too?”
I think it’s wierd to just say thank you, becuase really, as you note, only some % of it is to do with you, and the other half is the kid’s own tendencies and tenacity. It’s as if you want the kid to say thank you. In fact, I might consider that option… when people start saying to him “you’re a little chatterbox”, teach him to say “thank you!” and everyone will think its adorable!
I got a lot of this about a year ago, when my daughter’s verbal skills were zooming ahead of many others her age. I was always uncomfortable with it, for the reasons you mentioned as well as not wanting her to have to always think iof herself as the “smart girl”. I ended up responding with “We are super amazed at how her talking has just taken off-it’s really fun to see.” And then often followed up by turning the conversation to something along the every-child-develops-differently line or something the other child does well. I don’t know exactly how it came across to others, but I felt like this changed the subject from “smarts” to an observation about one particular skill, without trying to hide the fact I’m proud of my kid.
I haven’t found myself in that situation much lately. (I think she has become so shy in public that her language skills aren’t as noticeable, and also the gap is not as wide as it once was.) But this type of comment would become even more awkward to deal with as the kids become older and can understand more of adults’ conversation. I hope people get more sensitive to the weirdness of it and less likely to make comparative comments as they grow.
I have thought about blogging about this too. I know that I reserve those kinds of compliments for when I think they are deserved, so I have to believe that if someone says they think Mimi is advanced, that they must really believe it.
I always say, “Thanks. We like her a lot.” and then try to find something that makes their child stand out if I have the energy. I have to fight the instinct to talk about what a crazy a-hole she is half the time, or say something equally not nice about her to seem more humble.
Gatito sounds really advanced. I am always blown away by Mimi, though. Today I told her I loved her, and when I asked her how much she loved me, she said very clearly, “I’m busy right now, Mommy.”
But when I went to that Twos program, I was really surprised how similar most of the children seemed in ability. It’s tough.
I think part of being a woman of our generation is not knowing how to accept compliments. I should probably work at not passing that on.
Sounds like you’re doing the right thing, but what do I know?
I feel that way when someone pays ME a compliment. I used to do the same thing when I was a child, someone would say how well I played the piano, and I felt obligated to point out that I didn’t do well at something else. My mother also told me a simple “Thank you” would do, but I still feel awkward about it. When people compliment Sam, I feel like I’m taking credit for it, and maybe it wasn’t really a compliment to me, blah blah blah. I just usually smile, try to say Thanks, and hustle out of there!
My son is very similar to Gatito also. I think people are always surprised because he is a boy and people expect boys to lag way, way behind. The one thing my son does that I know a lot of kids do is the memorizing book thing. We have probably close to 500 children’s books, and my son really and truly has each of them memorized and has since he was about 20-months. I took him to the library the other day, read him one book there, checked out about a dozen or so and came home. I look over, and he is reciting the one book I read him from memory. I was astonished.
All that being said, I truly don’t think he is a genius. I think this is where his interests and abilities lie. He didn’t start walking until he was 17 1/2 months old, and at 2 1/2, he finally learned to jump more than a centimeter. Other kids were jumping off of the couch and riding bikes (including his same age twin cousins.) So, it all seems to be a wash really.
For compliments, I say stuff like, yeah, isn’t that neat for a particular skill, or we like him too. Gatito sure sounds like a lot of fun.
This would happen all the time when I was little. I was always complimented on my intelligence. My mum took it as some sort of compliment for *her*. Whenever I receive compliments for Dude, I have to remember they are for him not me.
Whenever I receive a similar comment for Dude, I do deflect it with some humour: “yep this is why we decided to keep him” or “he has his moments.”
I teach math to high school kids. By the age I see the kids, any “damage” from toddlerhood compliments have all but disappeared.
I agree with your mother. Say “Thank You” and it’s not bragging. If someone said “You look pretty today, Cat” you would say “Thank you” right? I wouldn’t worry about what the person thinks, they’re the one that is giving the compliment after all.
As I recently posted, Ainsley gets a lot of attention for her wide vocabulary, which since I have posted about it last, has probably doubled in size. But she mispronounces a lot of things, so in all actuality, she gets more attention for her motor skills and general ability to WANT to communicate with everyone, even strangers. She is absolutely full of energy and I get a lot of, “Wow, you must be tired!” or “She is just the most beautiful thing . . . and so inquisitive!” (She goes straight up to babies in the mall and points out their body parts . . . hard to get her NOT to poke their eyes out at the same time.)
She also knows the majority of her colors now and when we went to a class the other day, the teacher said, “Well, if you plan on enrolling, she would have to move to the next age group of 2 years plus because she knows her colors and can throw a ball and catch a ball.” The rest of the Moms just glared at me and I felt like crawling into a hole. I don’t necessarily think she is gifted, at least not at this point, but she is bright. And she is my daughter, so of course I want her to excel. I think your reactions have all been normal. I often do the “but she doesn’t do this” thing. I don’t know – maybe it means we are simply nice women who don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings.
I think “thank you” or “aw, thanks” or you could joke and say something like “yeah, he’s a keeper” with a big smile on your face. It seems stressful to have to think up a quick compliment to answer their compliment or to explain why your kid is fabulous. When I say something nice to someone I don’t expect them to say something back to me … just a smile or a “thanks” is perfect. Otherwise you risk losing the sincerity of the moment.
I used to get these comments about Rei (not so much about EJ, since his speech is a bit delayed) and it was weird. I used to say something along the lines of, “Well, kids are good at some things at the expense of others” and leave it at that. I know what you mean, though, about the odd feeling that comes with taking a compliment through/for your child.
If anyone knows what to say when people constantly comment on how much your child resembles you, please let me know.
Found you again!
We get this with the kiddo too and I feel just as unbalanced. It is a strange feeling and I don’t want to think about it. After everything we went through I just want him to be normal and perhaps people pointing out anything in either direction from that is difficult still.
That’s all I could come up with about how we deal with it. Now is he gifted, advanced? Who knows… who cares yet… all I know is he talks! and a lot and that makes living with a toddler a LOT easier.
*hugs*
Our oldest was scary bright and we found out later that he has a photographic memory. I would get compliments about him all the time and it was tough to know what to say. I usually ended up with something lame like “we are really proud of him” or making a joke like “he will be knocking our socks off by the time he is 10″. Probably one of the funniest times was when someone pointed out how advanced he was and in the next breath mentioned the fact that he was adopted…obviously not realizing that it was a major slam to hubby and me that we couldn’t possibly have an intelligent child from our genetic pool….very funny.