I don’t think that having a child is a rational decision. If you made a list of pros and cons, I’m pretty sure the cons would outnumber the pros. But the pros outweigh the cons. The strength of that desire to hold another warm, sweet-smelling baby in your arms can make all those cons seem really small. And I have a guess that at the end of this exercise, that’s where I’ll wind up.
Which is all the more reason to blog about this stuff instead of talking about it with A. I mean, we’ve talked about it a little over the past couple of days, but I could see my spending a month talking about all the reasons not to try for another child, only to decide I really do want one and find him with an opposite opinion!
So let’s talk about the finances. Obviously, money doesn’t buy happiness… but it sure does help!
We live in a part of the country where it’s very hard to feel like you have enough money. Then again, maybe no one ever feels like they have enough. But sometimes, when I give up my lottery fantasy, I fantasize instead about moving to one of those places where salaries are 90% but cost of living is 50% of the NY area. Places like Atlanta, Austin, and Dallas, where similar salaries would go a lot farther, and where I’d feel like I could breathe. Ultimately, I can’t ever imagine leaving my family in the Northeast. However, not having a second child would result in a similar windfall.
At the current rate of increase, a private college education will cost close to $400,000 in fifteen years. Holy crap. And don’t talk to me about financial aid, because middle class families earn way too much to qualify, especially when they’re middle class by the standards of the NY area. Sure, there are state schools and loans, but I want to be able to give my kids what my parents gave me: the chance to go to the school of my choice and to graduate debt-free.
At the moment, we’re not able to save much of anything for college, but three years from now, when Gatito is in kindergarten, if we don’t have another child, the expense of child care will drop by 2/3 or more, we’ll be able to channel that money right into his college fund. And not just college– piano lessons and tennis lessons and family vacations. You could call those nonessential luxuries, but I love that I learned to play instruments and how to ski and play tennis. I can imagine managing without taking trips, but I feel despair at the thought of not being able to afford music lessons for Gatito.
I actually cannot imagine how we could afford a second child. I’m sure we’d find a way, but it would be a lot less stressful to stick with just the one, you know?
I’m glad you’re writing about this decision. Your mini-epiphany in your last post really sounded strong. It gets at the fact there is loss associated with adding a second child, just as there was with the first. You say goodbye to your family as you know it and move into something new.
We kind of skipped the very logical process you are going through, which is weird to me because we are very deliberate about most other things (which vacuum cleaner to buy, for instance). For us the second kid decision went like : We want two children; how can we make it happen? And, having succeeded with the conception / birth / newborn part of the “how”, we are still very far from figuring out the rest (child care, to start. And paying for college is still sort of a joke, even for just one kid.) Not saying you should ignore these very legitimate practical concerns, but just that if the warm baby / sibling / additional personality / larger, livelier family urge is strong enough, you’ll find a way to make the rest work.
Like Caro, we glossed over the rational decision making process about having a second child in part because we didn’t know if we’d be able to have one (we thought about how many rounds of IVF we could afford instead of how many years of college we could afford).
And then–boom–the second child was here. Yes, finances are a struggle (e.g., The Boy isn’t taking the $300 soccer class I think he would love because $300 pays for a lot of diapers), and my plan for sending the kids to college depends on our winning the lottery, which I’m sure we’ll happen any day now.
I do struggle with the knowledge that I will not be able to give my kids some of the expensive things my parents gave me, but then my husband didn’t have those things and seems no worse for it while I’m conflicted about whether I truly appreciated any of it.
So….hmmm.
P.S. My parents now live in one of the cities on your list, and it’s not as affordable as you might think….plus, it’s, well, kind of awful for all the reasons you might expect.
I have family in two of the cities you listed and I am going with BG. It is a facade, it really is expensive and all the articles on costs of homes don’t take into account the commute time, money you then spend on gas, etc.
Since I am in the same baby boat as you and starting to really think about having #2, I have asked myself many of the same questions. For some reason, the negatives with it are so easy for me to overlook. I don’t know why – hormones? I do know, however, that if we are lucky enough to have one more, than I am done. Three is an impossible for us financially. Two kind of is, too. We will most likely end up sharing a car again for another few years just to make things work out. I hate sacrificing, but once Ainsley is in K, then our money should even out.
There is a certain other friend of ours that blogs and constantly goes back and forth. I think it is normal, and healthy, really. You will know what the right decision is for you, it just may take some time to sort it all out.
I admire you for planning so much. I mourn the time and attention Mimi is missing, but I am determined to manage what we have the best we have, and that is that. We are both prepared for the eventuality that we will not be spending our retirement in a villa in Europe.
I have thought a lot about this more than one child thing, and I have discussed it with a number of my friends, and I think a lot of our expectations come from how we were raised. Cory and I were raised so differently (although both with single mothers and heavy grandparent financing/involvement) that we’ve had to kind of re-invent our financial goals as well as our personal goals.
Tough decision. Your points are valid. I think the answer is in your heart somewhere already. You will find a way to ensure that your children get exposed to many things, you just may have to get more creative. You cana give your children dream lives even without music lessons and with fewer vacations. You will make it up in other ways.
We are going to raise Jamie as an ‘only’. I can envision our lives together ‘the three musketeers’ and it is a happy life. Some people question our decision – ‘you don’t want her to be an only child do you?’ ‘She won’t have anyone to play with’ etc etc. She is with other kids all day, and loves it, but also loves her time with us. We are older parents and it makes sense for us to stick with the lovely little girl we were given.
I like how Mandy put that…ditto to what she said.
We didn’t approach the topic so rationally–we both just knew we wanted more than one child. I feel bad about taking so much attention from A right now, but I also feel like a sibling is a gift to her. Someone to play with, someone to fight with, someone to roll her eyes with over how dorky her parents are.
And finances are generally not a concern for us, but I can tell you we don’t have $800K sitting around to put both kids through private college, nor will we. Even as someone who is finishing up college in my late 30s because my family couldn’t afford to pay when I was younger, I don’t think it’s a crime to ask kids to help pay for their schooling. There are plenty of good schools that are not that expensive and if our kids want to go elsewhere, they can help contribute.
Just me here – reading/listening and offering support. I know the answer will present itself. Keep writing.
Having #2 was never a question for us — we had this debate when it came time for #3 we faced all of these same issues.
For us, it came down to money, time, and whether or not I could parent more kids the way I want to and stay sane.
I also felt an emptiness before we had EJ that was filled when he came. If I’d still felt that LACK after we had him, all of the rationalization wouldn’t have kept us from having more.
It came down to the fact that I liked the *idea* of more kids, but the reality of more than two was not something I wanted or needed.
Only you can make this call — you and A — no matter what reasons others give you, you’ll know the right answer for yourself.