(I totally didn’t even get the pun in the headline till after I wrote it! And now I’m pretty sure it’s not even original!)
For most of my life, I’ve thought I wanted to have two kids someday. At one point, before we started trying, I remember having this thought that I could have only one if I wanted. And a big weight lifted off my shoulders as I considered how much easier life would be, financially and logistically.
When we started having trouble with just the first one, and after finding the experience of pregnancy to be very stressful, I was sure I only wanted the one. Shortly after he was born, I even shipped off the fertility monitor and some books to family members who were going to start trying. (And now they’re in the middle of a divorce– thankfully they never did start trying– and I’ll never get them back. Damn!)
I think it was around the time that Gatito turned one that I started thinking I’d like to try for a second in 2008. It started off as an intellectual thing, but over the past six months, that desire has increased steadily until it became full-on baby lust.
But something happened yesterday. A simple thing, really. A and Gatito and I spent the day in Soho, walking around, shopping, having lunch. It was a lovely day, and as we packed Gatito into the car and headed home, I was struck by the thought that it’s not something we could do easily if we had two kids. And never mind a day in the city, we took an infant Gatito to Berlin last year and are taking him to Switzerland in a couple of months. Things that would be much much more difficult, both financially and logistically, with two kids.
And so for the past day, my mind has been a whir of thoughts and considerations, pros and cons. (All this complicated by the nagging thought that one never knows if one can have another child anyway and I’m probably jinxing myself.) My mom once told me that if I couldn’t make up my mind about something, I should flip a coin and see whether I was happy or disappointed with the results– then I’d know what I wanted to do.
I haven’t flipped a coin, but I’ve decided to take the next month and assume that I am not going to try to have a second child. I want to see how I feel– relieved, like I did when the idea first occurred to me a few years ago, or disappointed? Stay tuned… I have a feeling you will soon be seeing enough posts to warrant a new category.
Good luck with sorting it out. We are discussing a third (if we could, of course – and clearly not for a while), and the wrench that we keep throwing in is that it is such an unknown. If you knew you could have a baby who is healthy on x day, it would be a lot easier.
I have to say that two is harder than the one you’re used to, but so far in my opinion, two is not as hard as two number ones!
I agree…two is not as hard as two number ones, but there is a lot more number two!
Sorry…I can’t avoid potty humor.
Seriously, financially, especially when you consider travel and education, it is a LOT more pricey. And it’s harder to just drop everything and spend the day out. But you do get used to it…and it’s nice for number one to have number two to play with (and I don’t mean in the potty sense!)
Just having twins, I can tell you that you’re right. Right on. I love both my boys, but having two little ones limits what we can do – and that’s not cost, just logistics.
I just had number one a few weeks ago, and though I always thought I’d want two, I’m starting to think that one might be just perfect. Of course, I could change my mind once we get past the horrors of colic and the breastfeeding/formula feeding indecision and guilt.
By the way, I looked back on your old posts about bf’ing (came here via a comment on another blog), and it really helps me right now. I’m on the verge of giving up completely on bfing. I thought I had done so as of last night, but this morning I’m feeling conflicted again. Arghhh!!!!
(Sorry to bring up old news.)
Thanks for the post! I will put in my two cents as a sort of only child: it can be lonely. My siblings are aprox 20 years older than me (diaphram slipped after 13 sucessful years of contraception!), and I really wish I had a sibling in my generation. Also, this is kind of a morbid thought, but a good friend of mine is an only child and his mother died recently, and he has said that he never wished for a sibling more than after her death–someone to remember her with, someone to share the burden of managing the emotions of the loss etc.
Argh. That doesn’t seem too helpful, eh?
Being a *second thoughts* expert myself (or at least being one who has revised my plan many times) I can sympathize. I think you have the right approach in mind. Live the life for a while and see if it feels good or bad. You’ll know. Though you may still flounder until a definitive decision is made. Looking forward to reading your thoughts!
Big decision, there. I think your approach is solid. What does A think? This may sound stupid but I will say it anyway…This is not something that I would base my decision on solely, but both of our parents have been ill and my father in law has passed. If my husband didn’t have his siblings to help shoulder the responsibilities of aging and sick parents, and I mine, we would both have been up shit creek. Not something to base having more children on solely, but something to think about.